I feel like posting, but what I have to say... I'm not sure if I want it out there for general consumption. I know that I don't have a lot of secrets, and I'm very open with people- maybe more than I should be. I don't want my heart to get tromped on, in an effort to get closer to people. I think I'm insecure, and I want to be liked. In the process of this, I share things to anyone and everyone, and then I get hurt. I don't know what the line is... So I guess if anyone wants to know what I have to say, then they should get a hold of me, and I will tell them for real, not just on some anonymous blog that no one cares about. I'm really cool when you get to know me, I promise!!!
I haven't written for quite a long time- I guess my excuse is that nothing is going on. I definitely feel like my life is kind of at an even keel right now in a way. Things are going along predictably, with work and random activities and such. In some ways, it's nice to not have things be in complete turmoil all the time, but I'm also starting to get a little bit bored. It's nice to have things to look forward to and to be working towards, beyond just the daily routine. This morning at work I was talking to a regular customer, and he was advising me that I should go back to school.
"There's no time like the present, sweetie," is what he said to me, and I've been thinking about that. I want to go back to school and finish my degree, but for the sole purpose that that part of my life be done. I want to have that completed, but I don't want to be in school. I get bogged down when I am there, and I have a hard time seeing my goal. So I don't know what I'll do- I'd probably better make some choices fairly soon though.
I know that I need to have a goal, any goal. I want to get down to business and get things done right now, and so it is hard for me to look ahead to the far future, and willingly take the steps and do the work required to get me there. I'm afraid of making plans because God always seems to change them, but I guess that's all I can do- make a plan and then allow myself to be open to the changing He does. I just need to go after something, and follow His leading.
I found out yesterday that an acquaintance of mine in high school was killed in an accident over the weekend. He wasn't someone I was very close to, but I did know him, and his death has hit me with a lot of impact. The last couple days have felt very surreal, and I have been thinking a lot about life and death, and the value of life. This guy was only 20 or 21, and his life is over. I'm only 21, and I feel like my life has hardly begun. I'm struggling with questions about this, because it seems so unfair. I know that God does things in ways we may never understand, but it doesn't seem fair that this young guy, who was such a great kid and so nice to everyone, should be robbed of his life. Maybe he wasn't, and maybe that's all the time that God had planned for him on this earth, and I'll never know that. I'm sad and I'm frustrated and confused- I can't believe that he is gone. All of this has made me realize that I take so much for granted: I whine and complain about mundane things, and I blow people off, and I don't tell all my friends and family members how much I love them and appreciate them. I am blessed in so many ways, and each new day that I get to wake up and live and go to bed is another tremendous gift from the Lord. I don't even know how to truly grasp this concept, because the trials are still trials, and my attitude in the midst of them is still not right. But I need to begin to take on the mindset that every new second is a gift, much less a day or a week or a year. I have been given more than I could ask for, and each moment of my life and each person in my life is so valuable. I am so petty to complain, when someone's young life has just ended. He doesn't get another day; I don't know if I do either, but it's time to start living like this is the last one. I need to be focused on the things of eternal value, and not the things of momentary value. Life is more than that, and I need to use what the Lord has given me. Life is precious, and it is so uncertain. Anyone who reads this, God bless you and live life abundantly- He has given you a wonderful gift.
I don't know if it could be more gorgeous this weekend. It's been almost 60 degrees and is just fabulous. I sat outside at the coffee shop until I could tell I was getting sunburned, and then I knew it was time to go in. It's really wonderful to have it be nice-- makes me excited for summer.
Getting to know people is tough. I realize now how much I took for granted all of my friends at CCU- the fact that we were available to each other most of the time, the conversations about God and life we had, just having friends that were there. I'm sorry to all of you who I didn't appreciate as much as I should have. I wish now that I had that opportunity again, that I had people I could call up and hang out with at any given time, but I know that God is doing some things in me, and that He's changing my attitudes and my outlooks and my interaction with Him, and that's pretty cool. And it has been neat, though challenging, to stretch myself to begin conversations, and to ask someone out for coffee, and talk to people at church, and the baristas at the coffee shop, and others who come into the restaurant. It's harder than it seems, but I know that it's a good thing, and I'm learning things about myself and others. God really does work all things for good if we trust in Him.
Firemen are hot, in more ways than one! Need I say more?
I wish that my knee would get better. I'm so tired of it hurting all the time. I wanted so much to be able to ski with Sarah while she was home on break, but instead I'm resigned to selling her my free tickets and hobbling around by myself. All I want to do is work out- get on the treadmill and run like my life depends on it- but the gym is closed, and I can hardly walk around the block at an absurdly slow pace. This is so frustrating.
I'm lonely, and I'm tired of being lonely. I wish I had more friends here, because I know that it's unfair to depend on any one person as my only friend. It's hard to figure out how to make friends, though, sometimes. There isn't very much school left, which is great other than people who are potential friends leaving. I'm not sure what to do about this. How do you go about being friends with people, when something natural and obvious doesn't fall into your lap? I'm not the most gregarious, so this is a challenge for me.
I was just reading some CCU blogs, which have done little for me other than to make me feel kind of depressed. There are things that I miss there- I miss all my girls so much it hurts- but when I really sit down and think about it, I'm so glad that I'm not there. The attitude that I read in the blogs of acquaintances there is so frighteningly familiar. I don't know what it is about that place, but I feel like it produces a bunch of depressed belly-button gazers. I know that is a horrible generalization, and that people really do get closer to God- I did!- but I just hate seeing other people feeling the same way that I did when I was there. I was not a happy person, and that totally goes against my very nature. I probably shouldn't even go on with this topic, but I wanted to explain my lack of enthusiasm at the moment.
We watched "The Notebook" the other night. It was a good movie- very sweet, but also quite sad, and rather a tear-jerker. I had a rough time though- it was painfully familiar to me, reminiscent of last summer, and it dredged up again the memories from the summer. I make excuses for it, but I get annoyed with myself that that happened, and that I was such a sucker. I long for someone to genuinely care about me and want to hang out with me just the way that I am, and not turn around and leave me hanging. I'm really an ok person to be with, I promise!
"Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." (Psalm 27:14)
Yesterday we took a trip to Denver and back, so that B could attend an Air Force Academy information day. S and I decided to go along, just for the heck of it, and to keep B company on the trip. It was such a good time. S and I went and got our hair cut, and I must say that we look very cute now. We got to wander around and do some random shopping-- it was just fun to get to hang out with her, especially after our deprivation from each other the last 2 months. I'm continually reminded of what a blessing my wonderful friends are- I have more than I deserve. It was such a fun day to be able to hang out with S and B- two of my favorite people in the world.
We had an nerve-wracking time coming home over Monarch, though, in a serious snowstorm. S did extremely well driving, but I'm sure she was white-knuckling it a good part of the time. She only started to freak out one time, but B and I did our best to calm her down, and once we switched from the intensity of the "Lord of the Rings" soundtrack to a much lighter mix, the trip went just fine. The LOTR music was much too intense and fitting to the situation, and I didn't want it to be the soundtrack for our lives at that moment. So a silly pop mix seemed more fitting and more relaxing.
One of the things I love so much about those girls is the fact that we can be all things together. We are capable of having very serious life-philosophy discussions, but can just as easily slip into absolute ridiculousness without missing a beat. We are so silly together and all make each other laugh, which is such fun. We can also just be quiet together too. It's a neat thing to be comfortable in just about any situation together, and to finish one anothers' sentences, and be on the same wavelength. I love them so much...
I got to spend the weekend with all my Denver girls, and it was such fun. We were sewing bridesmaid dresses, and had quite a time with it (georgette is really tough to work with), but we had such a good time being together again. I love those girls so much, and when I'm away from them and then come back together again, I realize how blessed we really have been by our friendship. I feel so lucky that we were all put in the same freshmen room, and that we made such a great connection right away. Not many people are given that opportunity. I have really awesome friends.
This is a great mystery to me: why do people find it necessary to tailgate you before they pass you, even when there is no one else coming? It drives me crazy! They come flying up behind you from nowhere, and ride your tail just long enough to be really annoying, and then finally decide to pass you. I don't understand it...
